Things the young should learn

  1. Not everybody cares about your problems. In fact very few people care about your problems. They’re your problems, and people have their own problems to care about. So shut up about that crush who never notices you or that allowance raise your parents never give you.
  2. When a friend tells you his/her problems, you don’t really care. You just talk to the friend to use the conversation as an excuse to share your experiences (which you subconsciously think is so much more important than your friend’s problems). Observe how you always turn the conversation from about him/her to about you. Don’t worry, that’s what he/he is trying to do too.
  3. You will regret recording everything. Facebook, Twitter, Instragram, WordPress – all of your social media accounts will be records of all your failures. You will regret putting that club or company name on Facebook, or putting it on your email’s digital signature, once you leave.
  4. Giving your email address or your FB account a ‘cute’ name is not cute. ‘AkoSiMaribeth’ is not cute. ‘’ is not cute. You’re just broadcasting how immature you are. Good luck putting that on your resume.
  5. You will accomplish nothing worth being proud about, because you will always think that the things you’ve accomplished are things you should have accomplished. That will be good, because the moment you think too much of your achievements you’ll be stuck there. And many of your school teachers are boring because they’re stuck in the mediocrity they’ve accomplished.
  6. All the selfies you have taken will be used in the slideshow during your burol. They will also play the videos you’ve taken of yourself. All your friends will post your selfies together on FB and broadcast to the world how sad they are that you died when in reality they don’t give a singkamas about your memory.
  7. They will be playing all the songs on your mp3 player during your burol too. So for goodness sake delete that ‘Ikaw na ba si Mr Right’ you’ve been playing aloud again and again in the dorm.
  8. Going to Starbucks a lot does not make you look rich. It only makes you look like a social climber. Real rich people brew their tea or coffee at home.
  9. No, dubsmash is not funny. Specially not for your burol.
  10. Bathing every day is not optional, darling. Two days in and you start to smell like a homeless person.
  11. Now matter how pretty a girl you are, if your breath smells bad, or if you have smelly feet, you’re still gross.
  12. Cutting your wrists to ease the emotional pain from a breakup will not ease the pain. Those are two non-overlapping magisteria of pain, so you can’t use one to distract yourself from the other (trust me, I tried driving a headache away by thinking of my dead dog. Didn’t work). Worse, the heart yayay will eventually disappear, but the scars will be there forever.
  13. No, people don’t think the self inflicted scars of your momentary misery are cool. They just think you were pathetic. Don’t embarrass yourself.
  14. It’s okay to commit mistakes, but it’s not okay to brag about them.
  15. No, you’re not being religious. You’re emotional sturm und drang just got tired of emo rock and found Jesus rock much cooler now, and the fact that your parents like it too is an added attraction to it. If it did improve you as a person you wouldn’t have sexed around during the youth camp.
  16. The older you will get, the less important things will feel like to you. Soon, all the things you thought mattered will feel so petty. Like that time you thought true love did not exist because your boyfriend did not remember your seventh monthsary. True love does not exist even if he remembered, darling.
  17. That is why older people don’t think much of you. You’re the future, they’re so done with the future already. It doesn’t help that when they do try to look at you objectively, all they get to see is you posting after toilet selfies on Instagram or tweeting fakshets publicly at some random guy you heard was badmouthing you.
  18. Should you live to enjoy every moment while it lasts, disregarding the uncertain future? Or should you aim to leave a legacy, not bothering to waste your time with momentary distractions? Consistency. If you answer yes to one question and live the other, you will always be wrong.
  19. When you get older you’ll get the urge to write lists like this one. Either because you’re under the delusion that you’re wiser (which you are not, true wisdom will not give you the confidence to moralize, it will make you feel like an idiot), or because you’re annoyed by young people playing ‘Ikaw na ba si Mr Right’ far too much and far too loudly. Go ahead, write that list. But your readers will be older people who have become just as cynical and yet just as yaga-yaga as you are.

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