Hipon non GrataPosted: August 19, 2014
(Response to the Ramon Bautista ‘Hipon’ Brouhaha back in Davao)
– In behalf of the People of Davao, I would like to apologize to all the shrimps, prawns, and related crustaceans who have been offended by the whole issue. I personally like shrimps. They’re great guinataan (memories of Laksa in Singapore are still particularly fresh in my memories). Hipon pride y’all!
– In behalf of the City of Davao, I would also just like to clarify to all those allergic to shrimps, prawns, and related crustaceans that it is still safe to travel to Davao. Davao is an allergy friendly tourist destination.
– But in all fairness, okoy in Davao is delicious. Try Jaltan’s.
– As a Dabawenyo, no I was not offended (I’ve been called worse things, like ‘Karlo David!’) I just like poking fun of at people while they’re suffering. Schadenfreude, y’all!
– We Dabawenyos shouldn’t be too offended. Manila is a sucky-sucky place, the guy’s probably just venting out his envy when he saw how awesome our city is.
– More on Hipon pride: did you know that some species of sea lice (a kind of crustacean) have a very gruesome way of reproducing? The male captures a female and rapes her, then the eggs hatch inside her body and the little larvae dig out of their mother while she is still alive, leaving her behind to die. Uhm, yeah, Dabawenyos don’t give birth like that RB.
– And no, I don’t think we are hipon in Davao. I’m not hipon, I don’t have a good body.
– And I will certainly not throw away Ate Atenista Philo major crush’s head away, sayang the face and magna cum laude brains.
– If we are hipon, we can’t be nilasing na hipon too much, liquor curfew.
– I don’t mind being hipon though, the exoskeleton’s a useful defense against ’em syringes floating in Talomo. And that spike on the head would be useful for self defense. Mangulayon-Bolton headbutt!
– But again, it’s okay to be hipon lagi. That means as a city, Davao is hebi-weight (I AM SO SORRY FOR THAT EMBARRASSING PUN I CAN’T RESIST IT)
– I never found Ramon Bautista funny (I don’t buy the whole meta-stupid gag). This is the first time. Only, he was the joke, and that made it rather sad for him because it was not meta-stupid anymore. There goes his career.
– We now know though what his next title will be: ‘Tales from the Hipon Zone.’ Or maybe ‘Bakit muntik ka na-crush sa gig mo?(at iba pang technique kung paano makaka-move on sa wasak na image)‘
– But we all know he will recover. At the end of the day, Jinri still has the hots for him.
– And take note Dabawenyos, bitter shrimps don’t taste good.