From the Archives: Pinoy Takes the World

(The following piece of creative non-fiction was written when I was in 4th year High School, and it came out in the Green Armour, English student publication of the Notre Dame of Kidapawan College High School. Before you go on and critiquing this piece, I need to point out two things. One: I was young when I wrote this, and I’ve certainly grown up since then. To be specific, my writing style has greatly improved, and I now have a clearer stand on the National Language. Two: this was a storm of the mind, written in one sitting and barely edited. And that is one of the reasons why I am sharing this. This was probably one of the last of the great blitz-works that dominated my High School writing. It also reminds me that I used to follow the polemic sarcasm tradition that I first got from Jessica Zafra and that I still get from Gary Covington and Cracked.com. The tone of this piece was ahead of the other articles in the paper: while most students that time wrote earnestly, this piece had meta-textual elements, and it said the exact opposite of what it meant. It was little surprise that the College students of our school appreciated it more than the High Schools!)

No, this isn’t a news article. But since you’re reading, continue anyway.

The Filipino race is one of the most undermined races in the world. We are among the list of the most unpopular countries in this planet, along with India, Bangladesh, Myanmar and North Korea.

But why should we let this be!? We are an advanced race, more advanced than others! We should remove these causes of dislike and exalt ourselves! Let us see what the reasons are and deal with them as Lapu-Lapu dealt with Magellan!

The first on our list of reasons to annihilate is clearly seen in us: our Colour. It was (and still is) common to associate success, wealth and nobility with pale complexion. After all, when the British, pale and clear skinned, conquered the Hindus, Dark skinned and dirty looking, it was obvious who was more impressive.

This problem will be properly dealt with by our ever so reliable commercial industry. Our wide array of papaya soaps and whitening creams will surely remove that horrible dark inferiority in our elbows and in our hearts! Or better yet, why not use detergent bleaches to give us that “Puting hatid ng linis!” (Whiteness brought about by cleanliness), giving us a clean skin and a clean reputation!

With that taken care of, let’s move on to the next weed to uproot: our language. Our language is so baduy don’t you think? I mean, it sounds so, Native. Doesn’t the word Bukangliwayway sound a bit ridiculous, not to mention difficult to spell? We should follow the English word “Dawn” instead. It’s much easier to spell and it sounds so, English. And who spells “Standby” as “Istambay?” Do we even know how to spell?

Thankfully our scholars of language have taken care of this distress in our medium of communication. Our spelling has been revised into a better, more westernized form. We now spell “subject” as “sabjek.” Don’t you think that looks better than “Sabdyek?” yeah, it sounds a bit like jargon, but hey, at least we’re more like the English way of spelling it, or should I say The AMERICAN way!

Our next problem is our culture. Our culture is, like our language, so Indigenous. Our culture smells like soil! Men traditionally wear the Bahag while women wear the Sari. When the Spanish came, we improved a little, with our Barong Tagalog and Baro at Saya, though it’s still a bit old fashioned. We act so conservative, who was the genius that invented the Panliligaw anyway? We’re like old women! Yuk!

Because this problem is made up of many problems categorized as one, we need many solutions. For the fashion, this is taken care of by music. Yes, music. The growing popularity of the Emo Subgenre of Rock music in the Philippines has drastically changed our fashion. From wearing Itchy Barong, men of our country are now wearing black shirts that are too tight for them! And get this; we’re now following the hottest trends in the States, Suicide and Self Injury! Yey! We’d rather be Emo than old Fashioned!

For the conservativeness, we have taken care of that with our many displays of liberation. Take the Subic rape case for instance. What that “Nicole” girl did really gave our Manang image a kick in the part I’m not supposed to write (it starts with A!). Gone are the assumptions that the Filipina is hard to get now that the American soldiers made “Nicole” open her legs. Before you start complaining, look at it, why was she raped in the first place? She came with the soldiers into their vehicle, didn’t she? It was her fault, and it is our ultimate benefit.  “Nicole” is a heroine who has boosted the country’s pride and reputation.

Moving on, we have a serious problem with our politics. Goodness! Did you know that former president Marcos is listed by most sources as one of the most corrupt presidents in history!? He’s so famous that even MS Word’s dictionary accepts his name! Our Politics is renowned all over the world for being one of the dirtiest. We should do something about this!

Sadly, there hasn’t been any action taken to resolve this. But I have a suggestion. Why not convert our country from this sickeningly hypocritical Democracy into an Aristocracy? Think about it. If the position of Mayor, Governor, Senator or even President is handed down from father to son, mother to daughter, then there won’t be any problems with Dagdag Bawas in elections because there won’t be any elections in the first place. President Arroyo gets to be our Queen (by the Good Grace of God)! As for the corruption, we should practice the eleventh Commandment as stated by a teacher “Thou shalt not get caught.” Look at former President Estrada, he was convicted of plunder. Why? Because he was caught! If our would-be aristocrats will be corrupting, it’s better that no one finds out.

The biggest problem we have is our very image as a people. We have been viewed as mere attendants, working abroad as Domestic Helpers, Blue Collar workers, People who was the dishes, Japayuki, our women are groomed to grow up and go to Japan to marry some rich, perverted old Japanese man and wait until he dies, our doctors have just been criticized by Terry Hatcher in her show (I won’t say its title, that’s plugging), our nurses just got a horrible reputation for the 2007 Board Examination leakage, the list is endless!

Let’s solve this one by one, first about the doctors and nurses. The little event about the leakage can never be reversed. Obviously other countries are sniggering about it. In this case we should follow Hammurabi’s most popular law “An Eye for an Eye, a Tooth for a Tooth.” Our government is using the secret intelligence for pointless reasons like OFWs safety and Terrorist infiltration. The government should be busy finding a way to take revenge on other countries. Our Jaime Latikos should be busy uncovering the leakages in their nursing examinations. They should give us a reason to laugh as well.

As for the doctors, our ever growing and very successful organ trafficking industry is combating this insult of Terry Hatcher. To Miss Hatcher, Remember, when you’re having an organ transplant, you should know that that Liver came from a seven year old sampaguita vendor who went missing a few days ago. See how fresh it is!

The problem with the stereotype image of our OFWs is, according to Jessica Zafra (and I agree with her) a blessing in disguise. It is our slow but sure way of conquering the world. Our Domestic Helpers are slowly Filipinizing their employer’s children, the world will soon rely on our international plumbers that they will come begging us! “Please! We’ll give you anything, Queen Gloria! Just fix our pipes!” Our Exotic Filipina Women are our strongest weapon. Soon, all Japanese men will have Filipina wives, and Japan is our de facto colony. They colonized us by force, we will colonize them with our women!

Come, Filipinos, rise! Let us march forward, with these different tactics of success, and make the world ours for the taking!

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2 Comments on “From the Archives: Pinoy Takes the World”

  1. Angry Girl says:

    Japayuki isn’t supposed to be a bad term. People just see it as it is because of the jobs being offered to them. Thing is, it just means: “Filipino working in Japan”.

    • lefthandedsnake says:

      Hey Lily! Woah this is such a full circle: the first blogger I commented on is commenting on me!

      I wish I could say that fact about the word “Japayuki” to the 4th Year High School me! haha

      Now I’m sure the word has acquired more positive connotations, what with anime improving Japan’s image in the Philippines!


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